I promise, I'm worth it. I think.

Two girls I graduated with, and two of their friends just left for heaven today. I’m so speachless, but there is so much going on in my heart. I literally felt it crumble to the bottom of my stomach when I heard about the disgustingly devestating car accident. I’ve cried, I’ve reached out to everyone I love, and I’ve just sat and thought about the situation and these are the couple conclusions I’ve come to: 1. I don’t tell the people in my life I love them enough. This past 12 months have proven to be some of the hardest I’ve ever lived through, but that’s just it: I lived through them. So what am I not loving every second of it? I have no excuse. It doesn’t matter if I have a fucked up brain… I still love the people in my life. So why not take the three seconds it takes to send a text message or make a phone call to the many amazing people in my life? 2. Life is sooooo fucking short. I could just not wake up tomorrow. My little brothers and sisters, my big brother, my best friends, my parents could not wake up tomorrow. And I God doesn’t have to give me an explanation for it. Living is such a gift. We were giving life by God and our parents, and whether I smile everyday is up to me. So here goes… I WILL smile everyday. No matter how I’m feeling or what’s happening. Because a smile can help someone, a smile is contagious, and quite simply: a smile makes everything a little more enjoyable. 3. God has a plan. We probably wont like this plan. Right away. I do believe there is a reason for everything. Even though I fucking HATE it. There were days about three years ago, that I would wake up, pull my hair back and stare at myself in the mirror and say OUTLOUD, “You are worthless. You mean nothing to this world. You’re disgusting. But you must live so your mom doesn’t take it out on Avary.” But I had to tell myself that so I can now tell myself I’m beautiful and worth it. My brother and daddy taught me to crawl, so I crawled my way out of the darkest hole you could imagine and I’m still crawling, but whatever slips I have, are important, they could be a life changer. The accident was so obvious. When it’s our time, it’s our time and God knows what he’s doing. I feel like sometimes He doesn’t think about how everyone on earth is going to go through. But then again, maybe He does. We wont have the answers but what’s comforting… is to know that these four girls and many other amazing people DO know the answers now. They aren’t in pain. They aren’t crying. They are happy with their new wings, and happy to be able to look down on their loved ones and help them with their climb to get out of their hole of darkness. I will keep these lessons close to my heart for as long as I live. It’s so sad that something so tragic has to happen for reality to hit me in the face. Maybe I’ll be next, and maybe these lessons will help someone else. We never know. We just never know.

this is more than i have ever known. memories flood back in as springtime gets closer. memories of last spring. a beautiful time of awakening. and now i am haunted. wishing i could forget. i lost my more than best friend. the one that you always saw me with. the one i would tell everything to. the one that let me cry. the one who loved me. she was more than friend. she was my twin sister in many ways. or so i thought. now i am left to wonder if i was jsut a place filler. she used me. oh how she used me- to get the best friend she “has always wanted to be friends with.” i guess that is just what happens when you let people in a little too far. “things happen alyssa, people drift away” not us. no. not us at all. you kicked me out. you declared to the world that you found people better. that you didnt want to put in any of the effort you promised you would. you proudly and boldly announced that i just didnt make the cut. that i didnt care enough. that i wouldnt “climb the wall that was put up. some did.” i was not in that some. because i was too busy waiting for her to be strong on her own. she lied. she lied to end it and move on to bigger and better things. i was, alas, just a place holder. no single person has ever inflicted this type of pain on me. i have never endured this much. hurt isnt close enough to the word to describe it. pure. torture. that is what it is. to see her every day. every single day of my life. and know that i was not good enough. that i was never what she said i was. that i wont be. that what she says doesnt matter in the slightest way possible- because what she does is so much more prominent. she said she would sing at my wedding. she said she would always be there for me. she said she would do her best to not hurt me. she said that our friendship was special. she said that we could never be what had happened to other friendships. she lied over and over and over. and i trusted her enough to believe each and every one. i trusted her when she said i mattered. when she said i held a special place to her. when she said that she didnt know what she would do without me. her lies have proven to be lies. she does know what to do without me. because she is happy. she is happier without me than she ever was with me. she is happy. i said each and every one of those things to her. and they still hold true. i dont know how to live without her. i dont know what to do now that she is gone. i know that i have to try to make it through graduation, prom, grad parties and spring time without her. without the one person who said she would be by my side always. it wasnt ever the big things, no. it was the shopping trips and the church nights. and just having someone to TALK to. it was going through day- to- day life with a friend. a true friend. and i guess it was all just a lie. things dont just change like that. things dont just happen. that is just… another lie.

It’s so strange to look at something new and realize it’s replaced something that was once thought to be irreplacible. “My girls” used to be: Jenna, Cassidy, Crystal and Tyler. Now… “My girls” are Jenna, Kayla, Leah and Lauren. All four of these girls are not connected in any way. We don’t all hang out. We don’t all go to the same school, and never did. But these girls.. are the best friends I have. (can’t forget my sisters, Avary, Mackenzie and Karlie) Home used to be Wyoming/Georgia. Where my family was. Where I was taken care of by family. Now… Home is Minnesota (who would have thought!), with a family I didn’t know a year and a half ago. Where I take care of myself (with some help, I’ll admit). I’ve finally taken my heart and placed where it belongs: wherever I am. My life used to be filled with bad. Bad influences, bad thoughts, and bad relationships. Now… my life is filling with good. Good people, who do and will continue to do great things. Good love; I love as much as I get love from others. Good thoughts, not all of the time, but I’m learning to have those, instead of the letting depression take over. I’m working on the no regrets thing, but when I look at where I’m at and where I’m headed, I can see how far I’ve come without having to look back and I’m so proud of myself for that.